Color gray outside the lines

During the pandemic, I’ve taken the opportunity to seek out conversations with people from all around the world. In a recent global conversation with a group of women, most over 50 y/o, a simple comment on the appropriateness of wearing one’s hair long and gray after 50 sparked a lot of discussion. To many, gray hair symbolizes aging, but for women wrestling with the loss of youth, that image is compounded with the ‘unspoken’ messaging of correctness being doled out by society.  

 Our group often shares the everyday ins and outs of our lives as we get to know each other with a little girl talk a couple times a month. This time we joshed about how during the pandemic we’ve had to re-think a lot of those simple little things we take for granted in our beauty regimes like makeup, haircuts, color, style.  

 One woman, an artist in her late 60s said she was particularly tired of routinely pulling back her long gray hair into a boring ponytail and was thinking about cutting it. Unfortunately, she felt conflicted by old social norms suggesting that women should color their hair and cut it to a “sensible” length around age 50 or so.  

I’ve spent a lot of time in the retail beauty environment, and to me thems fightin’ words. Old beauty myths like these can die hard, continuing to hang on, smothering out any chance at something new. So I shared a small style secret - Velcro rollers. Yes, they still make them in all colors and sizes. It got a few laughs and brought back memories of pink foam and plastic fasteners so for fun, at the end of my conversation recap to the group, I included a pic of the 1960s folk singer, Judy Collins, standing tall and looking fierce, sporting a long gray braid. My intent was to quietly show how this feisty rebel proved that women her age absolutely could wear long hair.  

“OMG, it made me laugh out loud,” the note from my friend said. Not only did she ‘get’ the pic, she also had tried the rollers! Complete with before/after pics of the Velcro magic she’d created. Though perhaps still feeling outside her lane, my friend brimmed with new confidence, able to color gray outside the lines if desired. 

I’ve had my beauty myth moments, too. I stopped coloring my own hair some time ago but started up again for a short while because of the number of comments I got about how much lovelier and younger I looked with some color. Excuse me, gray is a color! It was such a milestone when I stopped it for good a few months later.  

But, it made me wonder why our society treats those women with the wisdom of time and the knowing of grace, so poorly? Why when the myth of beauty fades women become un- or under-valued, invisible. 

I know as I get older, I too struggle with those feelings. Do you ever feel invisible? Are women only valid when we have this myth of beauty? So many questions. How do you deal with closed-minded societal norms? How is our worth tied to beauty or attractiveness as society defines it today? 

As I gain distance from that mid-life point, it’s clear how much pressure there is from society around the gray female image and how, as women age, we become more and more invisible. No longer seen. Or how the ancient language of crones, hags and witches once tied to the crown, holy and wise are now anything but? 

Some believe that thousands of years ago human society life was led by women. A Goddess society where women were revered and celebrated for their mysterious, life-giving powers, not forgotten. Over time, as the world flipped to patriarchal rule, it’s painfully evident how crippling it has been and continues to be toward women everywhere.  

Think about the women in your own life. How do you recognize them as they age? What’s the image you hold of our gray sisters? At least in our small circle, the gray rebel has inspired change. My hope is that more gray rebels among us will lead the way to be seen again, one small change at a time, coloring gray outside those lines.